It's been a while!!

So I've been taking an unintentional blogging hiatus...looking after a new born takes up a lot of time!

He is now 16 weeks old, and just fantastic...

Now I'm trying to get some of my life back. Life as a single Mum with 2 kids is hard. I get every other weekend to myself now, but remembering how to have a life is not easy! Being a person without responsibilities every other weekend takes a lot of getting used to.

I decided to try and find my self a new fella! Signed up for online dating...think I'm now just going to avoid the whole thing for a while and focus on my kids. I forgot how difficult it is trying to figure someone else out! And frankly, I don't have the energy, plus why does it all have to be so difficult?

I'm going to focus on my family of 3 and my friends and family, and stay well away from any men! Not something I've ever done before, so not expecting it to be easy...but I have so much else going on and to figure out, so how hard can it be to remain single?!!!

He's here!!

My son was born last Wednesday, 25th July 2012 at 5.02am, 7lb 11ozs, after 28 hours of labour! He is gorgeous and such a good boy settling into a routine already.

The labour, as I suppose labour is supposed to be, was awful! The care I was given by the midwives at the hospital was less than adequate. Both myself and my birth partner asked and asked for pain relief and kept telling them things were happening and changing, but it made no difference and in the end I delivered nearly without medical care at all, on 4 puffs of gas and air. Thank goodness there were no exceptional circumstances as had there been something terrible could have happened to either myself or my son.

As the person in labour, why don't they listen to you? I know they are supposed to be the experts and can examine you etc, but surely you are the one who knows how you feel and what it feels like is happening to your body? It felt to me that they simply thought I was being dramatic...I honestly wasn't. It was agony from start to finish and the care was poor.

Thankfully, my gorgeous little boy is here and is doing great. He was born with a tooth, so breastfeeding has been a little challenging but I'm persisting with it, and it seems to be paying off as far as him being settled and happy goes, and also I am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes!

His father? Well, he texts every morning to ask how he is. Apart from that, has been threatening and difficult within 3 days of his birth expecting me to hand him over to go to meet his family. NOT A CHANCE! In the end, I had to have his family here in my house for them to meet him. He has visited once since, and has so far only contributed with 2 packs of nappies and some baby toiletries. No mention of contributing to the expense of all the other things babies need. Next week I have an appointment with my solicitor to file for divorce. Why would I want to remain around a man who thinks it is acceptable to threaten me with legal action over my sons surname when I was 9 months pregnant? And think it acceptable to hand over a 2 day old baby to go away from a breastfeeding mother? What an arse!!

Enough already...

As I said to a friend this morning, its time to stop ranting!! I accept that a good rant can be therapeutic, but it gets tiresome even for the person doing the complaining! I realise I have plenty to bitch about but really how is it helping?!!

I think its about how you look at it all...perspective. Everybody has their own issues, their own problems, and when its your own, its hard. Standing outside looking in and advising someone on their stuff is easy, it doesn't directly affect you. Dealing with your own in a way that moves you forward and remaining positive about it is what is so hard. People describe it as being strong. I disagree, its not being strong, its just coping the best way you know how to. If it comes over as strength, then so be it, but its just not collapsing under circumstances that one is living within, often because crumbling is not an option.

I truly believe that women have to be 'stronger' than men. Women as a species have more to deal with and are innately more able to deal with strife and difficult circumstances, whether in a relationship or alone. Within the last 50 years, women's roles have changed so dramatically and are now so varied that coping with the different stresses life holds, whether it is career, motherhood, relationships, financial stability, they are all things that we have to cope with constantly. We don't have the luxury of being able to 'check out', something that men do have the choice of. Men can choose one thing, often career or work, and no responsibility. And even if they take on responsibility, they can choose to walk away, and from those I know of and from talking to other women, walking away happens a lot.

And this is something else that I think is a modern phenomenon. Even 20-30 years, the idea of a man walking out on his family and responsibilities would have been so abhorrent that the idea would have been enough to deter it happening. These days, it is so much more socially acceptable that it is almost accepted. How can this be right??? Is this progress??? Its so easy to give up and leave, and the women are left to pick up the pieces.

Although it may not sound like it, I'm not bitter. I just think it is not fair! Why is there not more accountability for it all?

Ok, so if you have read my earlier blog posts you will know that this obviously post is relevant to what is happening in my life, but it had happened to so many women around me that I wanted to highlight it. The answers escape me, and the audacity of the situation just becomes more and more extreme. Alright, so maybe I am a little bitter, but who wouldn't be?!!

I swear, its like a flamin' soap opera!!

Its been a little while since my last post and whilst not a huge amount has changed (I'm still enormously pregnant!) he is still managing to be a complete ass!

I am now totally convinced that there is nothing wrong with him other than the fact he is spineless and cruel. Yesterday I received a letter from his solicitor stating that if I don't include his surname in the babies surname then he will get an order from the court meaning that I have to change his name regardless of what I put on his birth certificate, so really, what choice do I have?!! I either relent or spend stupid amounts of money on legal fees fighting for my sons name and dealing with the stress and animosity that goes with it, all the while having to let him into my house to see his son, because again that is another issue that by law I have no choice over. What he has done has no bearing at all! And it stinks...

And he has chosen to do this now. I am 38 weeks pregnant with his first child and all he can think about, yet again, is how this affects him. He left and now what I see that all the connection he has left is his name. So let him have it, I have everything else. My children will live with me, I am the primary carer and they will be raised my way with my values. And when he is old enough to understand what his father did, I will not be lying to him, and he can make his own decision as to what he thinks of his father. I refer to him as his father as he will never have the bond to be his 'Daddy', and that was his choice.

So currently, the 3 people that live in my house will have different surnames (Carter, Walters-Carter and Ridgway-Carter) which is just ridiculous! Hence I am once again changing my surname! No more double barrel names for me...going forward I will be Miss Natalie Carter and this is how it will have to remain with my children as 'Carter' and 'Ridgway-Carter'. But changing my name is becoming like second nature to me and I have been Natalie Carter before so here we go again!!

In a strange way, as I have no choice and have had to make a decision, it feels better to have it sorted before the baby is born. One other thing I have decided is that I will not be waiting, as originally decided, to file for divorce. I have asked my solicitor today to go ahead and file...who knows maybe he'll receive the papers on the day his son is born...ironic!

It so it continues....

So we finally met and talked, and he is in a mess. Clinically depressed and doing nothing about it. At the moment he flails between fairly normal and completely irrational. And, yes, I feel sorry for him, but even this doesn't excuse what he's done. He can't give me a reason why he left and is acting resentfully towards my son, and for that reason alone, I cannot be around him. So I've drawn a line in the sand and he knows that. I'm trying to move on and the chatter in my head is now more related to being able to cope with everything when the baby is born. My husband is just not a factor anymore no matter what he thinks

Being a grown up....again!

So the last time we were supposed to meet, he cancelled because work comes before everything, and he has now left it 3 weeks to rearrange it. The difference is, I no longer have anything to say to him.

My mind set has changed. I don't want or need him around at all and have absolutely nothing to say to him. I really think it would be so much easier if he just disappeared. Every time I hear from him my stress levels go through the roof and my anger rises again, and the contractions start again, so how can talking to him be helpful?????

I told him I will listen to what he has to say but that I have nothing to say to him. As far as I am concerned, this is my baby, not his. I will be raising him. I am now a single Mum with 2 children and he is what?? A sperm donor?!! What does he think is going to happen? I'll be complicit with his suggestions for names and access? Why should I be like that? Why should I make his life easier? What does he really think he can bring to the deal? As far as I am concerned his part is over, the right to everything else left when he did...

Being a grown-up...

I have made contact with the enemy and after battling through the unnecessary hostility, I have been the grown up and suggested we try to talk for the sake of the baby.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to him or even how I'm going to manage to stay calm, but at this point, something needs to change. My stress levels are through the roof and even though I am now 31 weeks pregnant, I have no appetite and apart from my bump, am losing weight which is not how this should be...none of this is how it should be.

What really gripes me about this is how he is now claiming that I had my own way too much, and yes on the day to day smaller items I probably did, but only because there was no other way of getting things done, but on the big life changing events, they were all him, not me. For example, our wedding was not what I wanted. I had been married before and would have been happy to just go off on our own and do it quietly, but he had never been married and wanted the whole schabang so I went along with it, arranged it all, but it wasn't for me. I already had a child and had no hankering to have another one, but because he had no children, I agreed we would have a baby as long as all the way through it was a joint effort to raise the baby, and now I am left alone to deal with my 2 children whilst he has gone back to his single life.

He claims I made him leave. Not true. What 6 months pregnant woman would make their husband, whom they loved, leave to deal with everything alone, unless they were abusive? Not me, no way.

And these false accusations make me so angry and show how narrow minded he is is. He seems so blinkered to reality and has left me to deal with it all.

So, as you can see, sitting down for a 'chat' is not going to be that easy.....

So tired of the angst....

It's exhausting it really is. The noise in my head, between that and the now overwhelming tiredness that comes with being heavily pregnant. The need to shout at him is so desperate as is the need to ignore him, so as you see I'm also conflicted. If someone has the solution to how shut loud brains up, please tell me! The questions are constant and unrelenting...why did this happen, how could he do this to us, why do I get pitiful over this sometimes, when will I feel better, surely it's not supposed to be like this is it, how is life for me and my children going to work out...and so it goes on, none stop and it's exhausting. I took my son away for a week to try and make him feel more stable by having me around more, and I wish it was that easy to make me feel better. My little man was so happy this week and seems so much better. Things are so simple for children. Sometimes I wish I was still 5. My god listen to me, I bore myself. I am just tired and so fed up of being pregnant and fed up of life being so difficult...that's it no more winging, just need to find a way to move on...

It's just so hard

Being a single Mum is hard. And staying calm all the time is evened harder. Especially when I'm getting so tired from being so huge these days. My son cam eback from his fathers today after 3 days away and as usual he came back with an attitude he picked up from his 15 year old half-brothers. So all day he was rude, not answering when spoken too, spitting at me, not doing as he's asked. By the end of day when he refused to do his teeth, I couldn't remain calm. When he didn't do as asked the 5th time I started counting, which he knows when I get to 3 there are consequences, this time it being him going to bed without me. He kept going and I got to 3 and went down stairs and he freaked out, stamping and screaming and yelling. I lost my temper and dragged him to bed and shut the door with him still screaming, and I burst into tears and felt horrible. I'm finding everything that has happened recently so hard to deal with and have been swinging between exhausted and upset so dealing with a screaming child just pushed me over the edge. I had to go back into him room and talk to him and let us say our sorrys and hug. If I'm struggling this much with 1 how am I going to manage with 2 on my own? And the alone thing I am finding so tough already and the bigger I get the harder it all is. I feel like I'm whining but it's the only thing I'm feeling at the moment apart from anger. My head is so loud and even though a friend told me today that I have to be positive going forward it's just too much to deal with to be able to do that

Can't sleep am so angry right now!!

So apparently, in the extremely vague and hostile conversation that has been had by text message, him leaving is my fault and he accepts no responsibility for what's happened!! Unbelievable! He has given no real explanation other than using the things I have said to him during him leaving and since he has gone, plus it being a bad thing that my son came first...what mother would do anything else? I have apparently shown my true colours by 'shouting the odds' at him and shown him that his decision to leave was the right one through my behaviour....you have got to be kidding me?! Was I supposed to have been complicit in him leaving and helped him pack, held the door open and waved good bye? What wife, particularly a pregnant one, wouldn't have tried to stop their husband leaving by threatening anything that came to mind? I refuse to let him make me feel responsible for what has happened. If he wasn't happy, you talk, you don't run away. I'm not a mind reader. How can anything be resolved through silence? If a person wants input on something or has an opinion, they should open their mouth and say so instead of accusing things being all one way. If one of us didn't have an opinion, nothing would ever have been done around here. The anger I feel is stopping me sleeping and all I have is a very bad taste in my mouth. No matter the situation as he thought in his head, walking out on his unborn child is unforgivable

Progress, more progress...

So, I've changed my name! My surname that is, and have checked and when my son is born, he can have the same name as me and there is nothing that can be done about it! This I am very pleased about!

And I am doing something about the stress....this week I will be attending a ante-natal yoga class at Chakra House (sounds very serious!) and I think the teacher must be very into the whole thing as she signed her email 'Namaste'!! Its the first time that has happened! Also, I am going back to see my Chinese lady on Thursday for some acupuncture and Reiki which really sorted me out last time I went, so if my energy/chakras/chi aren't a little more aligned by the weekend I'm doing something wrong!

My son seems to be doing better. We spent the weekend with my sister and when I wasn't around she had a chat with him about whether he missed his step-father now he was gone...he said he missed that he can't poke my belly like he could poke his and I don't do sword fighting in quite the same way and that he thought that Mummy was a bit sad, but he related my sadness to my grandmother dying, not to his step-father leaving! I am reassured by this and also it seems the punching incident at school was a one off, so at least, for the moment, he seems to be doing ok.

This progress and making these changes helps. In my head, I am moving forward and that progress feels positive. I like having the bed to myself, and putting things down and them still being there when I come back! I can't decide if I miss him, or if its still just an urge to yell at him! Hopefully once my energy/chakra/chi has been messed with some of that confusion will be a little clearer...

Making baby steps...

So I'm not going to pretend that the last couple of weeks have been easy. This has been one of the hardest times of my life. My son is so confused as to where his step-father has gone and asks questions a lot. All I can do is reassure him that the reason he went was nothing to do with him and that Mummy loves him a lot and I am never going anywhere.

I thought he was doing fine, then he punched someone at school because 'he felt cross and he didn't know why'. I was devestated and despise my husband for putting us through this, still with no explanation and no regard for how this has affected my son. Not once has he asked how his unborn child is, all he has been interested in is getting his belongings and the f#*@ing duvet that he keeps asking for! I could gladly punch him in the snoz for the pain he has caused to us and the complete lack of care.

I have been astonished how many women have been through the same thing. One friend had her husband leave her whilst she was in labour with their second child! What the hell is wrong with these men???

Being 27 weeks pregnant, I am finding all this harder than normal, but the one thing I am really concerned about is the amount of anger I am carrying around with me. It can't be healthy for my unborn son and I have no idea how to expend it? I can't go boxing or go for a run or do something aggressive to get it out, so what do I do? The stress of what has been happening seems to be causing a LOT of Braxton Hicks and they are getting stronger by the day. Its alarming.

All I can do at the moment is continue to function. Get up, take son to school, go to work, prepare for the birth of his little brother, talk and try and reassure him, and me, and so the cycle continues. Its a grind, but we will win...

He's gone...moving on!!

As previously mentioned, my husband has left...and I am moving forward!

As a mother and expectant mother at that, what choice is there? My 5 year old seems to have accepted that his step-father has gone and isn't coming back, so surely that's what I need to do now, right?

So, I made a list and I'm getting on with it, all the practical things:

• Taking him off the council tax bill to make it cheaper
• Decorating the babies room (with a huge amount of help from my sister, big love for her)
• Changing the look to my bedroom and making it mine again
• Getting a bigger car so I don't have to struggle since he took the big car
• Sorting out my bank accounts
• Seeing my solicitor so that I know my rights, and his for that matter! For warned is for armed, as they say!

And these are the things I have done so far, pretty much.

As for how I feel, I can't really tell you because I don't know. I go between numb, upset and rage, though today its mainly rage!

I have nothing to say to him, nothing. And frankly after leaving with absolutely no explanation, leaving us with no money, taking all his things, as he instructed his family members to do for him, within 24 hours and not contacting me to see if his unborn child is alright, it can't be any surprise that I just don't want anything to do with him (you see, rage!).

Frankly, I think I have been remarkably calm about the whole thing. But he is not coming back. He burnt his bridges on the way out, even if he was running scared, and pee-ed all over them just for good measure. I hope everyone that knows him is disgusted with him because I really don't think there is anything another person can do to their partner that is worse than this.

But I, as everyone keeps telling me, am strong and I will win! I can do this. My children and I do not need a spineless man around to bring us down, and that is certainly what he is.

So come on little man in my belly, do your growing and come and meet your big brother, who is so excited to see you. Mummy loves you, and together, we'll take on whatever life throws at us and win...

So much has changed....

It seems I have been away for a long time, which is probably because I have! But life has not been kind in the mean time.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant, which I am so thankful for, but within the last week my husband has left me and my son with no explanation...gone. And I am broken. I don't really know what to say about it right now other than I am so thankful for my fantastic family and friends, I just wouldn't be coping at all if it wasn't for them....x

Blogging hiatus!

I feel I have been a little remiss with the blog of late, and though I have plenty of excellent reasons for this, I still feel a bit bad about it...so, how was your Christmas and New Year, and a very Happy New Year to you all!

We lost my Grandmother over Christmas so it wasn't as it normally would have been and was quiet and a little strange without her there, she was missed and always will be xx

As for my pregnancy, well, I don't remember feeling like this last time...I feel shocking! Which could be for one of two reasons, either its very different as this pregnancy is with a different father to my first or I am having a girl, I can't decide which. Either way, I did not feel like this when I was having my son. I have not got one once of energy in my body, and if I get at all hungry I feel sick and get heart burn at the same time! I am just shy of 10 weeks now, so am hoping this rubbish first stage will be over in a couple of weeks, and bring on the 'glow' I say...