Monday, 21 May 2012

Being a grown-up...

I have made contact with the enemy and after battling through the unnecessary hostility, I have been the grown up and suggested we try to talk for the sake of the baby.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to him or even how I'm going to manage to stay calm, but at this point, something needs to change. My stress levels are through the roof and even though I am now 31 weeks pregnant, I have no appetite and apart from my bump, am losing weight which is not how this should be...none of this is how it should be.

What really gripes me about this is how he is now claiming that I had my own way too much, and yes on the day to day smaller items I probably did, but only because there was no other way of getting things done, but on the big life changing events, they were all him, not me. For example, our wedding was not what I wanted. I had been married before and would have been happy to just go off on our own and do it quietly, but he had never been married and wanted the whole schabang so I went along with it, arranged it all, but it wasn't for me. I already had a child and had no hankering to have another one, but because he had no children, I agreed we would have a baby as long as all the way through it was a joint effort to raise the baby, and now I am left alone to deal with my 2 children whilst he has gone back to his single life.

He claims I made him leave. Not true. What 6 months pregnant woman would make their husband, whom they loved, leave to deal with everything alone, unless they were abusive? Not me, no way.

And these false accusations make me so angry and show how narrow minded he is is. He seems so blinkered to reality and has left me to deal with it all.

So, as you can see, sitting down for a 'chat' is not going to be that easy.....

Friday, 18 May 2012

So tired of the angst....

It's exhausting it really is. The noise in my head, between that and the now overwhelming tiredness that comes with being heavily pregnant. The need to shout at him is so desperate as is the need to ignore him, so as you see I'm also conflicted. If someone has the solution to how shut loud brains up, please tell me! The questions are constant and unrelenting...why did this happen, how could he do this to us, why do I get pitiful over this sometimes, when will I feel better, surely it's not supposed to be like this is it, how is life for me and my children going to work out...and so it goes on, none stop and it's exhausting. I took my son away for a week to try and make him feel more stable by having me around more, and I wish it was that easy to make me feel better. My little man was so happy this week and seems so much better. Things are so simple for children. Sometimes I wish I was still 5. My god listen to me, I bore myself. I am just tired and so fed up of being pregnant and fed up of life being so difficult...that's it no more winging, just need to find a way to move on...

Monday, 7 May 2012

It's just so hard

Being a single Mum is hard. And staying calm all the time is evened harder. Especially when I'm getting so tired from being so huge these days. My son cam eback from his fathers today after 3 days away and as usual he came back with an attitude he picked up from his 15 year old half-brothers. So all day he was rude, not answering when spoken too, spitting at me, not doing as he's asked. By the end of day when he refused to do his teeth, I couldn't remain calm. When he didn't do as asked the 5th time I started counting, which he knows when I get to 3 there are consequences, this time it being him going to bed without me. He kept going and I got to 3 and went down stairs and he freaked out, stamping and screaming and yelling. I lost my temper and dragged him to bed and shut the door with him still screaming, and I burst into tears and felt horrible. I'm finding everything that has happened recently so hard to deal with and have been swinging between exhausted and upset so dealing with a screaming child just pushed me over the edge. I had to go back into him room and talk to him and let us say our sorrys and hug. If I'm struggling this much with 1 how am I going to manage with 2 on my own? And the alone thing I am finding so tough already and the bigger I get the harder it all is. I feel like I'm whining but it's the only thing I'm feeling at the moment apart from anger. My head is so loud and even though a friend told me today that I have to be positive going forward it's just too much to deal with to be able to do that

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Can't sleep am so angry right now!!

So apparently, in the extremely vague and hostile conversation that has been had by text message, him leaving is my fault and he accepts no responsibility for what's happened!! Unbelievable! He has given no real explanation other than using the things I have said to him during him leaving and since he has gone, plus it being a bad thing that my son came first...what mother would do anything else? I have apparently shown my true colours by 'shouting the odds' at him and shown him that his decision to leave was the right one through my have got to be kidding me?! Was I supposed to have been complicit in him leaving and helped him pack, held the door open and waved good bye? What wife, particularly a pregnant one, wouldn't have tried to stop their husband leaving by threatening anything that came to mind? I refuse to let him make me feel responsible for what has happened. If he wasn't happy, you talk, you don't run away. I'm not a mind reader. How can anything be resolved through silence? If a person wants input on something or has an opinion, they should open their mouth and say so instead of accusing things being all one way. If one of us didn't have an opinion, nothing would ever have been done around here. The anger I feel is stopping me sleeping and all I have is a very bad taste in my mouth. No matter the situation as he thought in his head, walking out on his unborn child is unforgivable